12/16/05: "Strange Hobbies"

Lately a friend and I have been fucking with a mutual friend of ours' room while he's at work. Despite how lame and queer it sounds, it's actually pretty fucking hilarious. To start with we'd just take his shit and throw it between his matress', needless to say this wasn't that funny. Next we took his box spring and put it on top of the matress, as well as tied his pant legs together and totally fucked up his computer. Some point through out the day I had an epiphany, we'd build a shrine dedicated to the "flying spaghetti monster" in his closet, because that'd be fucking hilarious. For those of you unfamiliar with his noodly way, check out "flying spaghetti monsterism" on http://wikipedia.com (do a search). This is what ensued:

All right, all right, admit it, it's remotely funny. He's all coming back from work and ready to sleep, then he goes to his closet and BAM a fucking spaghetti monster shrine. We threw all the shit in his closet on his bed (that's a lot of shit, like two boxes and a thousand articles of clothing). Today though, I had a better idea! Our friend HATES to see 444, because since the 6th grade he's seen it everywhere he looks (which is caused more by himself than anything, it's like how when you learn a new word you hear it a lot, you just pay attention to it because you put it into your selective hearing). Anyway, he hates 444, so what better way to reward his hard days work with a shitload of scotch tape 444's all over his room and stuff. We used highlighters to color the tape, and put a black light in his room to set it all off:

That says 'Jesus loves you'

a lot of the pictures didn't fully show all the 444's, mostly because of the poor lighting conditions associated with using a blacklight... Oh well, just trust me that there was a lot. I used at least 70 yards of tape, that's like a football field. Plus I signed him up for http://gay.com and made that his homepage. I gayed up his computer pretty bad, put some muscular fag as his background, fun things like that. I also set his clock so at the approximate time he came home from work the clock would read 4:44. Yes, I am awesome.

12/7/05: "It's to fucking cold"

It is way to fucking cold out. I'm in the fucking desert and we're hitting twenty degree weather. If we had any water, that water would be pissed off and frozen. I have to take a fucking cold shower on top of it all, because my fucking propane is out. Sure I'd go without a shower, but people would bitch and moan about my stench, and then I'd have to punch them in the face with my pie like cock (1 inch long, 6 inches around).

If I was turned into a an action figure right now I'd be "Shrinking Testicle Man" with real testicle shrinking action *Just add water*. They'd have to make my testicles out of some sort of reverse sponging agent that gets pissed off at water frequently. I think later on today I'm going to have to go outside and kick the weathers ass, that or make a weather changing machine. I'm going to Michigan in about two weeks, and I'm sure it's going to be way colder there. I guess I'll just have to kill a mime.

Last time I went to Michigan, I was ice fishing, and there was a fucking clown on the ice. I don't know what the hell he was doing, but I bet he was cold. I'd hate to be a clown on ice, you'd suck twice as bad. Saying 'On ice' is kind of like a suffix that means 'is going to suck'. New GI JOES ON ICE, LION KING ON ICE, JESUS' DEATH ON ICE. Jesus' death would be kind of sweet. Sweet like punching kangaroos. Why can't kangaroos be plural? They should be kangaree or something. kangari even. Fucking australians. Australia isn't good for anything. Who the hell eats australian food? We don't need an 'outback' steakhouse, we have plenty of normal steakhouses. They probably make kangaroo steaks, and I bet those suck because kangaroos suck. One of these days I'm going to find myself a jewish kangaroo and punch it in the face, just to piss australia off. That's right bitch! You never had to deal with WW2, but now you have racial discrimination on your hands. What the fuck you gonna do aussie? You gonna exile me to the outback? Throw wallabies at me? Sick rabid koalas on me? Australia is like Canada, nobody fucking cares about them.

12/6/05: "Ten easy steps to being me"

I know, I know, you love me. If a genie popped out and said "Instead of the normal three wishes, I'm only giving you one" you'd be all "Please make me as cool as the webmaster of Cynikal Mind" and *poof* you'd be as much a pseud as I am. Since we all don't have genies, here's a list of things you can do to attain a level of meness:

1. Hate everyone, and if you don't hate them, make them think you do
2. Use as many dysphemisms as possible
3. Drink the actual blood of Jesus to gain super powers
4. Learn HTML, Javascript, Dreamweaver, Photoshop, and how to not make sucky templates
5. Make an online documentation of your day to day experiences dealing with fucktards and rejects
6. Learn about Anarchy, support it
7. Eat babies
8. Realize that the world is exactly as the nihilist's explained it to be
9. Hate modern art and dadaist art (fucking campbells cans...)
10. Learn words that most people don't know, use them in conversation to make the person you're talking to feel dumb

Of course people probably won't even recognize you're like me. They'll probably be like "Wow, that guy used to suck, now he's eh" and they'll do one of those horizontal hand wobble things. I hate that thing. It's like they're trying to shake something of their hand, as if to say "I hate whatever is on my hand, but you're all right". I'm pretty sure it came from that whole thumb thing that good old Ceaser did in the gladiator games. He's all "Eh" does a hand wobble, which probably meant 'your discretion' and of course the guy would kill him. Who wants to see a guy get beat to death and live? Besides the guys' relatives and friends.

It'd be nuts if we were all attacked by cereal. I mean seriously, it'd be unsuspecting. It'd be a huge coup d'état. One day we're all pleasantly eating our cereal, and then BAM attack cereal in your intestinal track, fucking you up like a Tyson on Holyfield. You'd be moaning and groaning while killer cereal eats you from the inside out. That'd be fucking nuts. I'd freak out. Good thing I don't eat cereal.

12/2/05: "Coffee"

I fucking love coffee. Drinking it is kind of like having sex, just without the sex, and not as good. Coffee is the blood of America, without it we'd be a bunch of silly mortals, but with it we can contend with the God's themself. I hate the God's anyway, Zeus is a queer, Odin and Thor are pansies, Jesus' dad wants little boys, the Goddess has sex with her son, the horned god dies every year, Eris has a cult of silliness, and good ol' Bob has a pipe but doesn't smoke. I could take all of them without coffee, but then again I'm immortal and better than you. Alcohol comes a close second on what drives America. The only people who have ever correctly blended alcohol and coffee are the Irish, because the Irish are way cooler than everybody else. In fact the Irish are so cool one of the gods invented alcohol to keep us in line. If that god hadn't invented alcohol... you'd all be enslaved by us. It's a shame that we like alcohol so much, otherwise we'd be happy to enslave all of you ignorant fucks.

I like drinking a thousand cups of coffee, so that by the end of the day my veins are chock full of caffeine, and my hearts beating about 5000 gallons of blood a second. I go through blood like a pimp through his hookers though, because I refuse to have old blood coarse through my veins. I usually just give it to a vampire because I refuse to donate to a blood bank. If those needy people want my blood, they can buy it from me...or from the vampire. Vampires are pretty cool, unless they're a goth kid dressed as a vampire, because that's queer. Wannabe vampires are gayer than a priest on a 12 year old. If I see a vampire I always cut him to see if he'll bleed. Usually the little goth kiddies go "owie that hurt" and I'm all "Go write a poem about it Gothy" and slap the bitch in the face. Goth kids... and all their fucking black... the KKK would be confused when confronted with a goth kid. They're all "It's...so black...but...pale" and I'd be behind them "It's a trick kill them anyway!" and the goth kids like "Stop now or I'll bleed on you!" with a razor to his veins. Fucking goths...

Don't even get me started on Emo's. They're lamer than a corpse. Anyway, coffee is cool... drink a lot of it.

11/30/05: "Intelligence and being stubborn"

What the hell is with people that are 'intelligent' and their unwillingness to admit when they're wrong. I've been confronted by at least five people within the last two weeks who swear up and down that they're right, even when faced with overwhelming evidence that they're not. It's like trying to argue with a fucking christian or something "Oh well I can point you to an article that shows abiogenesis occuring in a petri dish" and they're all "They probably just placed it there, you can alter video easy man". I probably do it sometimes, but I usually catch myself and admit the other person's right...especially if they have evidence. The only reason I bother to correct someone is so they know the facts, more than half of what I know is stuff people have corrected me on. I tried inventing a word "Fictous" which sounds good, but I was corrected because the word was "Fictitious". At first I refused to believe it, me wrong? It couldn't be. Then I caught myself, and eventually looked it up, now I joke about it.

Is there something with intelligence that makes people refuse to believe eachother? It's like the more you know the more your mind closes. I'd give up arguing if it weren't so much fun to make the person feel like an idiot in front of everyone else when they realize who was right and who was wrong. Granted most people don't care, but in my little world they do. I would love to join a debate team, that way I could tear up the oppositions petty ideas about shit. For abortion? Against abortion? Who gives a fuck I'll support either side and win. It's ironic that I'm an atheist because a pastor told me I couldn't prove that faith existed, the only 'fact' I had was that women had one less rib than men (Like in the bible, because Eve was made from a rib), but the pastor told me that was false. Ironic that a pastor set my atheist beliefs in stone. Pepsi is not a suitable substitute for coca-cola in a cap'n & coke.

11/30/05: "Emails & Religion"

I got a forward from some chick at my high school. For the sake of youre sanity I won't repost it. It was one of those "Send this letter to everyone in your address book if you love Jesus" forwards. I want to shoot the inventor of that letter in the face. I argued with the chick who sent it, but she was all "Oh, it's all right you didn't HAVE to read it", right and you don't HAVE to read all the spam in your inbox, but it still pisses you off. The worst kind of spam is religious spam, it's like less than no substance. Everybody knows who the fuck Jesus is, stop advertising you assholes. Now if spam was like the meat of Jesus, I'd eat it in a heartbeat. I'd be all "Yum, processed Jesus meat". Hopefully then I'd gain super powers so I could destroy all the people who send religious forwards, with my laser eyes. They'd be hacking away at their computer "Ladeeda I love Jesus, God is great, I don't want to ever think for myself" and then BLAM I bust through the wall blasting my laser eyes at them. They'll burn and scream and try to finish that last paragraph but I'm like "No fucking way" and turn my laser eyes up to 110%. Within seconds the stupid religious forwarder person is a puddle of bone marrow and skin. Yeah, what the fuck now? After that, I'd use my new found super powers to travel back in time to when the assholes who wrote the new testament lived. I'd walk up to one of them (probably Corinthians, the asshole) and tell him to write that sending religious forwards will insure your place in hell. If he didn't agree I'd eye blast the fucker and move onto the next guy until someone agreed. That and while I'm back in time I'd destroy France, because France pisses me off. They'd be all freaked out about a guy running around with laser eyes. If they started worshipping me I'd turn them all into a bunch of killing machines, that way in the future everyone would be confused by the French not surrendering, and I could prophesize my return, and they'd be all "The laser eye god has returned" and me and the French would conquer the world. That'd be pretty fucking intense.

I'm off to test a theory, I heard somewhere that everytime you kill a jew, Hitler pops up and grants you three wishes.

11/29/05: "Computers"

Computers blow. They are crappily made pieces of shit. Like one man once said "To err is human, to really screw up takes a computer". Granted there's a lot of really stupid humans too, but when you combine humans and computers you get this monstrous idiotic being that sucks the essence of stupidity straight out of the air. Glue monsters are cool though. Anyway, I don't have internet, so I'm pissed off at my computer, and I keep getting work requests by people to do the same thing over and over again. I'm starting to go insane with the sheer redundancy of it all, it's almost like a job... OH MY GOD, it is a job!

About the no internet thing, it sucks. I have to upload this site at work every morning that I make a change. I wanted to add some cool music, but my crappy webhost doesn't provide the MIME-TYPE for .m3u files, which kind of kills me on the inside. So here I am, without the internet, without cool music, drinking a fucking coca-cola and writing at 7 in the fucking morning. If their was a jew around, I'd punch him in the face. Jews and their stupid little jewish stars... like normal stars aren't good enough for them, nah they're all "Fuck you normal stars" and they draw this shitty two triangles having intercourse star. If I didn't enjoy cock slapping Nazi's so much, I'd be one. Jews are so jewish, they're so jewish that I'm not going to capitalize their religion just to piss them off. That's right you little judaist jewish jew, yeah what now? You going to part my water? Kill my firstborn? Rain fire from the sky? Bring it.

Without the internet my mind is rotting away. All that I have to entertain myself is pissing people off. You know how long it's been since I've seen porn? Do you have any idea what that can do to a man? Not seeing a naked chick in 6 months is enough to contemplate suicide. I'd hate to kill myself though, I'd rather go out guns blazing in a showdown between me and the french. Well, my guns would be blazing, they'd be running away waving white flags screaming "We surrender" in their stupid little french accents. I think I'll go masturbate to shooting up the french.

11/21/05: "Modern art, or piece of shit?"

What's so great about modern art? Better yet, what's so modern about it? I thought modern meant things within the present, and I'm pretty sure we got over the shitty wall painting stage a couple of millenia ago. In Phoenix they have all sorts of fucked up stupid art. I guess when they set up the city they were looking for that "We fucking suck at life" look, so they hired all the art dropouts and had them literally paint the city, personally however, I'd rather the city had been painted with wet baby shit, it'd smell worse but look better. They had stone Bolo's (Gay cowboy ties, made of rope instead of cloth because they're gay), but that's not all, the stone bolo's each had something different on them... One had a HAMMER HEAD, and another A PHONE, and another a BABIES RATTLE. Actually I'm not sure about the baby rattle, but they probably did...fucking child molestors...

I just made up a joke, Why did Michael Jackson start looking like a white woman? So the kids he raped before wouldn't recognize him. Haha, I crack myself up. Fuck you.

Anyway, at this other place they had this spire with spikes, which was sweet assuming we ever have two guys start fighting to the death around it, and one of the guys utilizes his surroundings and stabs his enemy with the spike in the face, however considering everyone around me is a fucking mormon I doubt that'll happen. Anyway, the spikes are sweet, but the thing is called "Ode to Music" which is gay, because unless its rap or country, I don't associate music with spikes and pain. I'd gladly fuck an obese grandma if they removed all the 'modern' art from this century. I say only a century because it might be cool in a hundred years, when we're all dead because of a nucleur holocaust and the few people that are alive don't fucking care what things look like because everything beats looking at sand.

What's even worse than shitty sculptures is the paint splatters and colors on canvas that are also labeled 'modern'. The only way anyone could possibly make modern art worse, is to interpret it. I just want to punch the guy in the face that looks at it and says "I think it represents the animal frustration that hides behind our sapient thoughts". Who the fuck cares what you think dickwad? I don't. The bitch attached to your shoulder doesn't, she just wants your money. The tour guide who agree's with you doesn't fucking care. I bet even the artist would be like "That's a crock of shit, it actually stands for all the money I'm raking in off of retarded ass goblins like yourself".

I think that canvas should be made of soybean, and the sculptures out of cheese, that way, instead of being a waste of material, we can solve world hunger by letting poor foreigners run through our streets. Supposing there isn't enough shitty art to feed everybody, we'll let the rest of the poor people eat the foreigners, because I care about foreigners about as much as a care for abstinence... which is not at all.

11/20/05: "Extended urinals and other things that piss me off about state con"

I went to state con again this year, it was pretty sweet for the most part. In the bathrooms there were these urinals that were like extended backwards a thousand feet just to piss me off. I don't know who the fuck designed those bathrooms, but I bet they were child molestors. They were all "Ooo, when a kid pees in this urinal I can stare at his cock because there's no walls to keep me from viewing his penis.". Either that or some genius thought they were urinals for women, because I swear to god you could sit in these fucking pieces of shit. I was half tempted to shit in there but I was afraid some gay guy would walk in and mistake my shitting in the urinal for some gay mating ritual. It's those same fucking urinals that allowed a guy to stare at my cock last year! Fucking urinals.

There was this play about...something...and it would've been a fine work of discordianism if it didn't last so fucking long. I say it's discordian because about 2% of the entire play made sense, and that was the part where some teenage bitch killed herself, fuck I'm not even sure if she killed herself or hurt herself, and I paid real close attention to that part. The rest of the play I was pretty much zoning out and thinking of how cool it'd be to just pull out a gun and shoot people in the back of the head.

I saw a guy with a duct tape trench coat, which was pretty cool. My friend has a duct tape purse, and a duct tape wallet. Oh and EVERYBODY has duct tape something. I'm sure there are duct tape shoes floating around on ebay. Fuck it, I'm going to start a new trend, I'll use masking tape. Hell, I'll even make a MASK with masking tape, what now? That'll be fucking INTENSE, more intense than an old mans intestines after eating six cobs of corn. I could make an electrical tape condom too, that'll be original, how about a fucking scotch tape dildo? That do anything for you? Fucking tape products... I bet the tape industry is happy, they're all "We're making money now YAY!" and I'm all "The finger" because they're fucking assholes...fucking tape industry.

We stayed at this San Carlos inn place...that was...interesting. I guess the place was haunted, but I didn't see any ghosts, so I was kind of pissed off. I was really hoping to see a ghost so I could kick his fuckin ass and tell him to stop being a fucking paranormal piss ant, because that's what he is, a fucking paranormal piss ant. He's helping that hotel get money, they're capitalizing on the 'ghost bizz' and the the 'ghost bizz' pisses me off because it's all bull shit, and bull shit pisses me off because it smells. It's pretty much a whole fucking slew of shit, like shit squared even. In any case, ghosts piss me off, or the lack of ghosts, or both, so no matter what I'm pissed.

Went to TGIF Friday's...which confuses me. I thought TGIF meant "Thank God It's Friday" but it's TGIF which is Thank God It's Friday Friday, and that would be dumb. I'd hate to think that a place that makes AWESOME food would be so stupid as to put two Friday's in their name. If you ever go to TGIF Friday's, eat the Jack Daniels Burger, it's like eating the soul of an angel. It's fucking sweet, all though it's hard to ruin anything that has JD in it.

There was a bunch of bible thumpers at state con, which is ironic because I'm pretty sure there's a pagan God involved in thespian history. Lot's of Jews too... and Jews are fun to make fun of. Jews get a lot of shit, probably because they killed Jesus, but in my opinion that's the only good thing about Jews. Fuck if I was around back then, I would've converted to Judaism so I could nail Jesus to the cross, I'd get a kick out of that shit. Hehe. I should sell "Messiah on a stick" which is actually just Jesus being stuck to a cross, because that would crack me up. Anyway, yeah, there were bible thumpers, and I made a Jesus cartoon, where Jesus is hanging on the cross singing "I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh, and boy it feels good", which is ironic because Jesus ACTUALLY felt like shit then, because he was dead.

We walked in twenty minutes late to one of the plays, because we were way to busy finishing our coffee to give a shit about some petty little ass hole prancing about on stage in costumes exchanging dialogue that was pulled out of some old senile guys ass. This lady was all "You're late" and I wanted to tell the bitch I'd make her late, for her period, if she gave me shit again. I didn't though, because she was old and probably would've took me up on the offer.

That's basically everything, except the important things, but I don't want to tell you about those because you're unworthy.

So I spelled definitely wrong, fuck you.

11/17/05: "Black Eyed Peas can suck my cock"

Remember awhile ago when I bitched about black eyed peas? Well I did. They fucking piss me off. Whenever I hear there name I think of the hit "Where is the love" and then there's this BULLSHIT "humpa lump" or whatever the fuck it's called.
"My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps" and all I want to do is shoot that fucking bitch in the face. All right, you're hot and all, but the way you sing makes me want to stab my cock with a knife. Having sex with that whore would be like fucking Elmo, and Elmo pisses me off too. I don't even know where the fuck the lyrics for that song came from, it's like they were tweaking on something and their all "Dude, a camel has humps" and it escalated from there. 99% of the songs that come out today suck ass, My Chemical Romance sucks... If I wanted to listen to someone that sounded like a bitch, I'd listen to the bitch.

Alas, there is hope, The Distillers are a AWESOME band. I masturbate to The Distillers because they're so awesome. All you other bands need to grow some balls and learn to be original. Fuck off and die Black Eyed Peas.

11/17/05: "Back"

My site was deleted due to Angeltowns idiocy. Rather than warn us about the impending annihilation of our entire database, they said 'fuck you' and deleted it instantly. I sent a message asking what the fuck, and they claimed the FBI stormed the place and told them to delete everything because phishing sites were running amok in the system. Bull shit. They deleted the sites because they want PAYING customers, they fucked over the free users by not allowing them to roll over to paying plans, or warning of the impending deletion. They're a bunch of fucking assholes, and I hope their mother fucks a hundred dirty men. Regardless, that was a long while ago, and now I'm a changed person. I kept an almost up to date archive of my previous site, retrieved via google cache, but a lot of the stuff is missing pictures, and a lot of the stuff I don't agree with anymore. I don't have a girlfriend, I don't think much of life in general, and I hate even more people. That said, fuck you.

12/20/04: "A very good reason not to masturbate"

Hello boys and girls, today is story day, and that mean's I'm going to tell you all a story! Let's begin. It was about 6 year's ago, I was 10 but that's irrelevant. I was infiltrating A.O.L headquarters to find out how they mass produce A.O.L discs. After sneaking around and killing a couple of people I stumbled upon a secret teleportation machine. I thought to myself "A teleportation machine? Here? A.O.L can't even provide a decent internet speed, how do they have a teleportation machine?" So I jumped in and let it wisk me away. Roughly a second later I found myself naked in front of a group of a hundred slobbering aliens. These aliens weren't those pansy gray aliens either, they had 6 row's of sharp teeth, 8 eyes made of fire, and like a thousand sawed tentacles. Without hesitation I leaped at the nearest alien and ripped out it's throat. I knew where the throat was because he had a shirt on that showed the alien anatomy, talk about your good luck huh? Anyway, after ripping his throat out I threw the throat at his alien friend, and lodged it in his throat... Then I backflipped to the nearest wall, kicked out the emergency break me glass, and grabbed the 'oh so conveniant' SMG that was hanging on the wall behind the glass. Within minute's bullet holes, smelly green blood, and tentacles lie all over the floor. I threw my weapon down in true bad ass fashion and walked out the door way. While walking down the alien hallway I came upon a large door with a sign above it saying 'Secret entrance to the meeting room' and it even had a cute little neon arrow pointing into the door. So I walked in, and saw a site that no seeing person saw before. I saw the A.O.L president speaking with an alien dictator, this is what I heard.
"So our plan is going according to...um...plan" said the Alien
"Yes, soon we will have shipped over 1 bajillion A.O.L trial discs across the world, and we'll have gained three new users by doing so!" Said the president with an evil cackle
"Just keep that machine working..."
"Oh don't worry, the 'masturbation energy into mechanical energy' is working fine, little do those horny teenagers know that by masturbating they're creating the energy we need to create our A.O.L trial discs. Who would have thought it'd be so easy to put an invisible force field over the world and catch the energy so easy?"
"I did, that's why I came here...so my part of the deal is done, when do you fulfill your part?" the alien asked
"Soon enough dear friend, why we're already convincing Bush to come up here as a guinea pig for your experiments"
"Thanks, it's been bothering us for so long...how does that guy do everything he does without a brain? I mean we've taken X-ray's and all we get is skull, it's just confusing."
So I left, that's how they're doing it...they're taking our masturbation energy...so everytime I masturbate, A.O.L sends a trial disc. I knew I couldn't handle them there and then, so I quitly went back to the teleportation machine and escaped back to my house, knowing that some day I'd have to return and destroy the aliens, and A.O.L...

12/19/04: "I hate having a cold"

I hate having a Cold, I cough every 30 seconds, I start sniffing my nose every minute, and I'm just miserable in general. The upside to having a cold is that you get to make other people sick. I purposefully try to leave my tainted mark everywhere possible. I breathe on salt shakers at public restraunts, I cough on the door handle at my friend's house, and I sneeze on small furry woodland creatures so they too can cause havoc and destruction. I'm like typhoid mary, except I spread the cold rather than a fever. I'm so cool, I wonder how many people I make miserable... hopefully a lot. It makes me happy to think that some of those stupid people that I hate online are getting sick from me. If that sentence was confusing, I'll break it down. First I get sick and have the cold, I then cough/sneeze/urinate on a salt/pepper shaker at a public restraunt. A snowbird (old person who comes to Arizona when it get's cold in there state) comes in, orders a burger/fries/some fancy dish, and they put salt on it. Now the salt is infected with my disease, soon that old person gets sick. The old person now decides to go back to there state early, for some reason, and along the way they infect everything from rabid weasels to mid 30's lawyers who live with there mothers. Of course within day's my germ has spread and enveloped the entire world in a cold chaos of minor destruction and misery, mwuhahaha. I've just decided having a cold isn't so bad, in fact, I wish it'd happen more often.

12/15/04: "Santa, Satan, Santa, Satan, hmm..."

Have you ever noticed there names are really similar? How about the fact that parent's lie to you about Santa? Kind of like how Satans supposed to lie about everything. They both like the color red, they both have facial hair, they both like children, and they both torture people (Santa does with christmas songs). I really wonder if there's a Mrs. Claus, it's probably a Mr. Claus. I bet it's not even Claus, it's probably Claws. Here's some more evidence that these two are related. People used to give virgin maidens as a sacrifice so demons wouldn't come attack there village... We give Santa cookies and milk, and occassionally even a carrot. Santa sneaks into your house at night, Satan probably does the same thing when your mother makes a pact with him for power. Satan condones slavery, Santa has a bunch of poor defenseless elves make toys. Santa has reindeer, Satan has hell hounds, maybe they're the same thing? Santa say's ho ho ho, Satan like's ho's. I can't think of anything else right now...

12/13/04: "4 wheeling, not just for breakfast anymore"

This weekend was eventful. I went out with some of my friends and had a very enjoyable time getting the shit kicked out of me by mother nature. You see, my friend, whom I will now refer to as ba2 (stands for bad ass 2), was able to borrow his fathers Jeep. Now this isn't a sissy jeep like you see running on the roads now a days, this jeep is a power house.

It's like the monster truck of jeeps. The only problem is that it can't go above 65 or the engine will explode... But it can run over tree's, rabbit's, small children, and anything else mother nature throws in our way! So we went through some off road paths, that was fun... Then we nailed a hill, the hill was probably at a 65 degree incline, and we climbed it with no problem... So we went on to the next fun event. We went out to a local place called happy valley, and drove around looking for more big things to climb, alas that ended in failure. I had to get back at 4, because I had a party to attend, so we start heading back via the back roads. Well we're going along at about 40 MPH when a small cliff get's in our way. By small I mean, 3 or 4 feet. So we fly off the cliff, and inertia decides to be a bitch and we nail the front into the ground. Our back comes up due to inertia still carrying us, and I fly forward, backwards, side to side, and lastly, against a wooden bench seat. I was in pain, going from 40 to 0 by hitting something isn't pleasant. Furthermore my seatbelt was TIED on, thank god I did that or else I probably would've died... and then you guy's wouldn't have this enjoyable website. To make a long story short, my other friend is gone today, probably because he hit his back harder then I did. I'm fine, my arm's are just a little sore from holding on to the damn bars. Later that night I went to the party, and ate caviar, which is crap... Don't ever eat caviar. I think the reason rich people buy that expensive crap is because they want to prove they're better then everyone by eating shit. Maybe that's what's going to come next:
"Pardon me madame, have you tried the creme of la shit? it's to DIE for, absoloutly faboulous"
I get sick just thinking about it... oh yeah, where was I? So I was at the party, drank a brandy on the rocks (A real man's drink) and some liquor (not a man's drink) and proceeded to play dodgeball with my little cousins. Apparently being drunk and playing dodgeball doesn't go well together, because my little cousin said something about me not being a very 'sportsy person', so I pegged her in the face with a dodgeball, or one of her anyway, all I know is it was fun. Later on I sobered up, went home, and fell asleep... That's a terrible ending I know, but that's pretty much the extent of it... I'll just shut up now.

12/10/04: "Ninja's are out, Bad ass' are in"

Meh, ninja's were cool for awhile, but they've been over used. I am now moving on to becoming a bad ass. What is a bad ass you might ask? well view this picture:

As you can see, the bad ass is much cooler. He used a gun to defeat the ninja, no more ninja. Sure the ninja DOES have two cool swords, and he IS wearing a groovy mask, but the bad ass is out in the open with a pistol that uses a hammer and doesn't autocock, he could probably take out an entire army of ninja's without moving anything but his hand. Some other examples of bad assness include Arnold Schwarzeneggar, Hollywood Hulk, Neo off the Matrix, Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Dam, and some other's. These people are so cool, they can take on cyborg ninja assassins, world dominating corporations, clones, Fidel Castro's personaly army, and even Froto. How cool are they? they're so cool that they're bad ass. Even Mr. T belonged to the bad ass squad, everyone loves Mr. T, and I pity the foo who don't. So if you want to be cool, stop pretending to be lame things like ninja's, pirate's, and cabana boys, become a bad ass! All you need is shades, a licensed hand gun (take that terrorism), baggy pants that you can run in but don't need a belt for, and a leather jacket, of course it's preferable to replace the leather jacket with a trench coat, but the trench coat HAS to be black. So have fun, and don't forget the bad ass slogan "If I can't kill it in one shot, it's probably the lead villian"

12/07/04: "Lord Of The Ring's wasn't a great movie"

I don't understand it, everyone's idolizing the lord of the ring's movies. I could understand if they idolized the book, or if they were retarded, but alot of these people are people I consider friends. I've decided to compose a rant on why this movie sucked. For starters, the main character is a whining sniveling pansy.

Within 30 minutes of the movie starting, Froto's hurt and crying. This behaviour occurs throughout the ENTIRE series. Froto get's his pansy hobbit ass kicked repeatedly. Some people say that it add's to the realism, that in real life people would be afraid of giant monsters, well in real life there aren't elves, orcs, or people wearing black who want to kill you. Furthermore there aren't hobbits, I'm as close to being a hobbit as they can come, and I'm almost ashamed. If Froto killed someone with sting, I'd be happy. Maybe if they cut to him leaping at an orc in slow motion, while he decapitates them with sting, then this movie wouldn't suck so much ass. The only fighting scene I can recall of Froto, was his fight with the spider... And what happened there? HE GOT HIS ASS KICKED. The White Wizard is the most useless character I have ever seen. Honestly, the only thing he does to benefit anyone is give them pep talks. He's almost as much of a pansy as Froto is, except he actually fights with his sword. What I don't understand is how this 'oh so powerful' wizard can't cast a fucking fireball to slay a few thousand monsters. It would take me half a day to watch the entire trilogy, and for about 70% of the movie I'm watching metrosexual actors argue about the power of a sword, or a ring, or a fucking tower. The Lord Of The Ring's was crap, it was worse then crap, it was like staring at a piece of crap. Even worse, The Lord of the Ring's ruined the book for everyone. No longer can you guess how such and such character would convey a message, and no longer can you paint a mental picture of Aragorn. You know that the dwarf thinks it's funny when someone mocks his height, and you know that Aragorn is a blue eyed pansy with a yeast infection. The storyline just sucked, was there ANY twists at all? Of course not. Oh wow a talking tree, didn't see that coming, except I don't care because it's a stupid idea anyway. Uh oh, the wizard dies? He was pointless to begin with.

The only way this movie could have been better, is if Froto became a ninja and destroyed everything and everyone. I don't understand half of the movie, when did the elven cloaks give them the ability to blend into a rock? BAH. I think I'll just ninja kick the next person that tell's me Lord of the Rings is the greatest trilogy ever.

12/05/04: "Online dating isn't cool"

Are you laughed at by your peers for wearing the same clothes day after day after day? Are you ridiculed for bad taste in music? Can you not stand on a skateboard to save your life? Well then, you're probably not in the "in" crowd, but there's hope! Rather then going online and getting a girlfriend whom you will NEVER EVER touch or see, date someone else as loserly as yourself! I hate people who go online to get a girlfriend, or even worse, when they flirt online. Usually the following conversation ensues when someone finds out there's someone of the opposite sex online:

Bored_And_Lonely: HiHi Seksy ^^ lol jk
Sweet_lil_kitten: lol, your cute
Bored_And_Lonely: A/S/L?
Sweet_lil_kitten: 13/F/Cali
Bored_And_Lonely: OMFG! i live in cali to! We should cyber!
Sweet_lil_kitten: OK! but only if you e-date me

Ok, well there's a bit more flirting, it usually lasts like 4 or 5 days, with the rest of the channel getting pissed because the two faggots won't shut up. Eventually the two love birds commence in something that's equally as lame as online dating, that's right they CYBER SEX! Why? I have no fucking clue. I get turned on more by those sex scenes in mystery novels, where it's like 'And I slowly undid her bra strap with my teeth', then a 13 year old girl misspelling every sentence while she tries to take off your virtual pants. Just thinking of Cyber Sex pisses me off, it's so stupid, I mean honestly reading should not turn you on, if it does, you need to masturbate less. Pretty soon we'll start using lame phrases like "texty" and "textual", and then I'll have to stop chatting with people before I go on an insane killing rampage. The next person who asks me to cyber will be directed to this website, and ridiculed to no end. The reason most people turn to online dating is because they can't get with anyone in real life, or they're just bored and toying with peoples minds. As I said earlier, just date someone on the same social level as you. Granted social cliques are lame and all, but I guarentee you can find a girl/guy that you find attractive both mentally and physically in your social clique, and then you can both be happy and make loserly babies because neither of you aspire to do anything with your pathetic lives! But when you get in an online argument at least you can say you have a real girlfriend, and make your opponent cry his eyes out because he's never even seen his online girlfriend. What's really sad is when people get all upset and pissy when their online GF's cheat on them with someone in real life. Holy crap, I never saw that one coming! SHE CHEATED ON YOU BECAUSE SHE'S NEVER SEEN YOU MAYBE!? OH MY GOODNESS! I wish I could just smack people who type about missing their online girlfriends. What do they have to miss? The color of her text? The size of her font? The way she uses her emoticons? oh even better, the sound of her fingers hitting the keyboard. Wait a second, they can't hear her fingers hitting the keyboard because they're not fucking there! AHHHHHH. Alright, I'm done, dump your online girlfriends and go date your female friend who draws anime in art class, she's a hell of a lot better then the girl on the other side of the screen that might possibly be an old man with a viagra induced hard on.

12/03/04: "Dodgeball is lame"

My friend was telling me how his arm hurt this morning, so I ask him why. He responds that he hurt it playing dodgeball... what the fuck. Hurting yourself playing dodgeball is as pathetic as getting beaten up by old ladies with pillows, or dying by being tickled to death. I was thinking about how lame dodgeball was when it occured to me that I should make a manly dodgeball game. In place of air filled rubber balls, we'd use shotputs, or in the "Extreme Dodgeball League" we'd use bowling balls. All of the Extreme Dodgeball teams could throw bowling balls because they'll be famous wrestlers like Hulk Hogan, and The Undertaker, and we'll even have surprise appearances by Arnold Schwarzahoweveryouspellhisname. It'd just be cool, people would break bones, and have to be taken out on stretchers. I don't know why I didn't think of this before, I could make millions. I'd have to film it in Japan or something though, because of all the stupid laws in America. I hate laws, you can't mow the lawn naked in America, how screwed up is that? I'd mow the lawn naked if I could. I think I'll go steal an island in Hawaii and call it "Matt Land", and we'll be able to mow our lawns naked, and we'll have a kick ass national Dodgeball league, and if anyone try's to invade us we'll just throw bowling balls at them. I must be a genius, what was I thinking, this is what I was meant for. After we establish our fine island I'll take over the rest of the world, starting with France. After I take over the rest of the world I'll put a big concrete wall around France, and post guards all around it with guns that shoot lasers, and I'll rename the country "Faggot Land". All the dumb people will be put in "Faggot Land" and Earth will experience a state of mental prosperity, it'll be the greatest thing since we invented TV Dinners. MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! BOW BEFORE ME!

12/01/04: "Is the bike ok!?"

So it was like two years ago, and me, pansy, and puff were hanging out. Puff had a really nice $800 bike, and pansy wanted to ride it. Puff immeaditly says:

"DON'T BREAK IT! I will kill you"

So of course pansy decides he want's to jump it. He starts from 50 yards away, gaining lot's of speed. He comes up to the ramp, closer now, 10 yards. "AHHH" he let's out a scream, as he pulls the FRONT brake. He flips over the bike, and lands at least ten feet away. Our reaction was immenant, we ran straight to the bike, bypassing pansys nearly dead form on the ground. He got up about 5 minutes later so he wasn't to hurt. I'll fill out more later, because I need to go, peace.

11/29/04: "Case of the Stupid Spies!"

The school I attend was vandalized recently, and the authoritarian figures, looking for new exciting ways to ruin friendships, posted a $200 reward on any information regarding who vandalized the school. So everyone is wary of each other right now, and apparently some people are willing to go as far as staking out and spying on people. My friends and I stayed after rehearsals out of boredom. Roughly 5:30 I see a maroon car pull in, I think nothing of it. Roughly half an hour later we're having fun playing 'Guess that tune' by singing lyrics (of good music mind you), and I happen to glance over towards the maroon car. It's still there, and stupidly, they have the car running still. I, using my far superior brain, quickly analyze the situation. It's cold outside, the car's been running for half an hour, the moronic spies left the car on so they could run the heater while they watch us. Well, those people are fucking dumb. Of course I'm going to notice them, what maybe the cold will make me blind and deaf? Maybe I won't notice that the cars fucking lights are on!? Are they stupid? Yes, this is what I have to deal with day in, day out. Stupid people piss me off, I'm pissed off 99% of the time at school, the other 1% is when I remember that my girlfriend can kick there ass, then I get a visualization of there heads being kicked off and I laugh maniacally, which usually disturbs all of my teachers. So for future reference, if you're going to spy on me, at least make an effort at being inconspicious.

11/25/04: "Dude, you're gettin a turkey"
I would like to inform you all about how stupid society is. So I was talking online about something, I don't remember what, and some kid goes:

"Do Jewish people celebrate thanksgiving?"

After which, I promptly responded:

"You're a dumb ass."

Of course Jews celebrate thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has NOTHING to do with religion. Thanksgiving is celebrating the indians kindness towards the pilgrims, and their unity in hard times. Of course I'm sure now the indians are saying 'What the fuck were we thinking' because we've killed them off, and now the only indians you see are running casinos and selling firecrackers. It's kind of ironic how we screwed the indians over. We come over because we wanted to practice our own religion. The indians help us along, and then we turn around and exile them for having a differint religion. We must be a nation of hypocritical ass holes, and we wonder why people hate us. We've given money to democratic supporters, we've trained groups so they'll revolt against communism, we've given weapons to people who are now our most feared enemies. Hell, if you want to be a citizen of the US, requirements involve SCREWING THE WORLD UP. Just because we have the power to rule the world, doesn't mean we should. Korea wouldn't hate us if we didn't support the democratic side of Korea. We wouldn't have lost China if we didn't put Mao or whatever the hell his name is in power. Communist Russia hated us because we wouldn't back out of Germany. The United States is responsible for about 90% of the wars/battles going on right now. I think we should pull all of our troops out, invest more cash in anti-missile satilite lasers, and maybe invent some sort of force field. While we're at it we should probably figure out a way to colonize the moon, I mean Earth's going to die pretty soon one way or another. Be it the apocolypse, nucleur war, pollution, corruption, what have you, the Earth's doomed. Maybe the sun will explode, have you ever thought of that? You and your loved ones are sitting there, watching the latest episode of Laguna Beach, while eating your TV dinners, and BAM! The fucking sun explodes! We don't know when it's going to explode, it could be any minute, it could be while I'm writing this. I wonder if I'll be able to hit the "save your changes" button before the sun explodes. I wonder if I'll even get married before the sun explodes. What would you do if the sun exploded? You'd die! A horrible death, it'd be quick and painless, but horrible none the less. 6.5 billion people eradicated in an instant, all that we did with our life doesn't mean shit, because we're dead. Anyway, HAPPY THANKSGIVING, and have a good night everybody!

11/24/04: "Getting kicked out of Safeway"
I'm not mad at anyone for the moment, so I think I'll tell you all a story. This happened my freshmen year (2 years ago), the characters involved are Pansy, Me, Mighty Mouse (The brave kid), Heart Breaker (You won't see him in many), BMXer, and druggie. So there was some gay arena enrollment thing going on, meaning we didn't have to show up to school for another hour and a half. Seeing the perfect oppurtunity for adolescent fun, we all head down to the local Safeway strip. We enter Safeway, a ragged band of vagabonds scouring every corner for a chance to humiliate ourselves and those around us. You see, Mighty mouse had a camera on this day, and nothings better then humiliating yourself in public while being filmed. Pansy starts the day off by grabbing a sausage, putting it to his genitals, and yelling "TOUCH ME". I, not one to be out done, run rampant threw the aisles, searching for a weapon of destruction. Alas, I find my weapon in the form of a fly swatter. Heart breaker, BMXer, and Druggie take up arms as well. Within minutes we have the aisle in an uproar with jabs, slashes, and parry's. From the corner of my eye I spot a lonesome employee, eyeing us all, I disregard it and look about for more fun. Meanwhile Mighty Mouse, Pansy, and Druggie spot the motorized carts. They hop on, hit the gas, and jet off at 0.7 MPH. After several minutes of racing an employee catches them and informs them that the carts are for the disabled only. Druggie feigns a sprained ankle, but is unsuccessful. Me and Heart Breaker meet at opposite ends of the card aisle, genius takes place and I start humming the signature tune of a western shoot out. Heart Breaker catches on and puts his hand to his hips, in the classic western shoot out style. Mighty Mouse pans from behind me with the camera, zooming in on Heart Breaker. Soon everyone's involved in the act, little did we know, that a dark creature would soon come spoil our fun. I shout "DRAW", but I'm to slow. I fall to the ground in my most glorious, most over done death scene. I lay upon the ground and hear the trampling of feet. I jump up, look around, and notice 4 employees coming at us from all sides. The aisles are blocked, the camera is rolling, there's no escape. Without warning Heart Breaker grabs me and shows me gift wrapping, I act interested. Behind me I hear the manager:

"This place isn't a playground, now get out"

My friend's leave, I feel bad that I ditched them, but then I remember I didn't get caught, happiness returns. Heart Breaker and I walk out of the store. Mighty Mouse informs us he had his camera rolling the entire time, we watch and spot the manager with his sinister scowl ordering them outside. Already bored with Safeway, we walk along the strip looking for more fun places to peruse. JACKPOT! We find an ambulance parked outside of a food joint. The ambulance owners, I guess you'd call them paramedics, come out and offer to give us a tour. Little did they know we weren't average teenagers, and we had a camera. So they open up the back and I ask:

"Have you ever had to like, put an alien back here for any reason?"
"No, No, I don't think so" The paramedic responds, already he seems shaken.
"Do you keep food in there?" Pansy asks, pointing to the IV storages.
"No, no food in there, sorry" The paramedic responds as sweat glistens off of his forehead.

We decide to give him a break though, and school was soon to start, so we made the long trek back and ended the day.
On an offnote, Pansy now works at Safeway, you have to love the irony.

11/23/04: "Minivans, the only vehicle designed for soccer moms"
I hate Minivans, they're lame. Nobody WANTS to drive a minivan, you're usually forced into it after you get 10 kids, 30% of which play soccer or some other lame sport. I suppose I shouldn't call Soccer lame though, watching the soccer riots remind me of some of the battle scenes in brave heart. Half naked men running around with paint all over there bodies, beating the crap out of everyone and everything. Minivans still suck though, I'd rather drive a truck, or better yet a bus. My bus would be bad ass. I'd take all the seats out, put in a bed and a hot tub, and replace the windows with black plastic sheets. I would then paint the entire thing black, with lime green flames leaping from the wheels, and then I'd start on it's performance. Take out the governor, fill the bottom with N.O.S, and then I'd put some big ass monster tires on it. Everyone would love my bus, my kid's would show it at show & tell. I'd be the coolest dad on the block. All the moms with their minivans would be like "Oh my goodness, that's simply unacceptable, I give that bus an R rating" And then I'd drive on top of her minivan, and peel out on the back, sending her groceries spraying hundreds of yards in every direction. My wife would drive it too, she'd be like "BITCHES" and she could flip off the truck drivers and run them over, because my bus would be huge. Anyway, I just hate minivans, they're small... Vans are cool, but minivans aren't. You can't put a bed in a minivan, but you can turn a van into a loveshack. Of course hippies drive vans, but hippies are cool, they tell good jokes. Like, How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? NONE, hippies don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in the back of a van. Isn't that hilarious? Now if they said they screw in the back of a minivan, that'd be gay. Anything with the word mini in it is immeaditly stupid. Unless it's a mini cooper... Mini coopers are cool.

11/23/04: "Stupid kids & Buildings"

So we were in Pheonix Arizona for the Thespian State Conference, and one of my 'genius' peers had never been to a big city. As we exit the van he can't help but point out that buildings are big. Wow, buildings are big, he must be smarter then Einstein if he noticed that. Ok, so me and another of my friends see an oppurtunity for fun, the resulting conversation ensues:

"Hey, ('smart' friend), did you know that buildings fall occassionally in big cities?" I ask.
"THEY DO!?" He responds.
"Yeah, that's what those cranes are for, to pick them back up. Don't worry though, we'll warn you if one of the buildings are about to fall."

So now that I have him baited, we wait for an oppurtune time to pull the line. That time comes as we walk under a large Arizona governmental building. My friend, without any warning what so ever, screams:

"LOOK OUT! THE BUILDINGS FALLING!!!"

And with that my smarty runs, he doesn't jog, he runs like he's being chased by the devil himself. He didn't even take time to scream, he was just there one minute, gone the next. Later we told him that the buildings don't fall over... But we're not done with him yet. Later smarty came up to me and my said friend and made a bet that he could get a kiss on the lips before the end of state con, I see an easy way to get cash and promptly accept the deal. Later, whilst talking with a friendly thespian lady, he tell's me he's going to be a Thespian soon. I tell him that first you have to go through inductions. Roughly a minute later smarty responds:

"Isn't inductions were aliens take you up in there spaceship and put something in your butt?"

At which point Thespian lady #1 walks away with a funny look on her face. Matt and Friend 1, Smarty 0. Later we attend a juggling session. We began juggling with Tennis Balls, which are a bitch to juggle because of how bouncy they are. Smarty manages to snag some bean bags to juggle, out of nowhere two tennis balls fly through our group, and right on cue Thespian Lady #2 walks through, now unlike Thespian lady #1, #2 is a lonely red head, who could sumo with a whale and win. Smarty see's an easy score:

"Would you like to use my bean bags to juggle?" Smarty asks.
"Sure, thanks" #2 responds, while snatching the bean bags from his hands.

But #2 walks to the other side of the room, and proceeds to juggle alone, not risking any confrontation with smarty. Matt and Friend 2, Smarty 0. Smarty asks my girlfriend for a kiss, I laugh, my girlfriend tells him no way in hell. Smarty writes on his name tag "Kiss me before 12:00 or I'll lose $10" he hands it out to about 10 girls, nobody answers his call. Matt and Friend win, but we still haven't recieved our $5. If we don't recieve our $5 soon, I have a plan. Me and Friend will put explosives on an empty building, tell smarty that there's a naked girl waiting underneath the building, and make the building fall via explosives while smarty is searching for the naked girl. Problem solved, Matt 5, smarty 0.

11/22/04: "Caffeine is evil"
I hate caffeine, it's evil... Perhaps I should start at the beginning. After drinking three espressos and a 12 pack of coke, I noticed I was still tired. I've come to the realization that I'm addicted to caffeine, without caffeine I cannot function. I decided I need to quit caffeine, for a week. This is currently day 2, I feel like shit. My head hurts, it feels large, my eyes are having a hard time adjusting to anything. I feel detached from reality, I honestly don't care about what I say or do. I don't even know what I'm writing right now. Everything feels funny, I feel kind of like I'm high, maybe I'm just tired, I don't know. I haven't hallucinated yet, but who knows. Caffeine is evil... I hate it... I want a coke... and maybe a white chocolate espresso from Starbucks, even though I hate starbucks, they want to control the world. In case you guys didn't notice I missed three days, I went to a Thespian state con. I'll tell you guys the stories from those three days (There's alot of them), when I come to.

11/18/04: "I MISSED A DAY!"
I know, I didn't write yesterday, I'm a terrible person. I was actually working on the site though, I found a cool script that makes my comics more interesting, however I need to figure out how to make a play button... Anyway, I honestly can't think of anything to rant about, everyones been nice to me. I hate when people are nice to me. They're all afraid of me because I tell them I eat people. I mean, I'd be afraid of me too, what with my mad ninja skills. These people need to settle down though. I get yelled at for saying "SPANK ME" really loud, I don't understand it. I thought it was funny, maybe I'm desensitizing people to things, I used to say stuff like smoke pot and worship satan to piss people off, but now they're like "OK!" and then they go smoke pot and worship satan. Satan worshippers piss me off, they're stupid. If they're worshipping Satan then that means they believe in god, which means they're only worshipping satan to rebel. Rebelling against anything just for the sake of rebelling is dumb. If someone says:

"I HATE AUTHORITY!"

And you ask why, and they don't have an explanation, just take their clothes and drop them off in the middle of a desert. All these new age kids are like "DOWN WITH AUTHORITY" and they don't even know why. People don't know what Anarchy means, yet they write it on everything. Anarchy is the belief that power over another is evil, I believe in anarchy. So far the only response I've heard is "ANARCHY MEANS NO POLICE MANNNN!", and yes, that's true, but it's stupid to be anarchist just for that. I'm a radical, I support anarchy, I think that in a perfect society we wouldn't need government, thus we'd be in anarchy. This isn't a perfect society, people are stupid and need to be told what to do. We can't have an anarchic society in this day and age. The next thing I support is democracy, which has been doing pretty good so far in the US. I swear, if I hear another EMO kid talk about how he's an anarchist because he hates authority, I'm going to smack them. I won't give them a love tap, it will be full on five fingers. I will extend my hand as far back as possible for greater effect. I will hit from the left, it will hurt. I hate stupid people, stupid people should be slaves. I'm going to start a petition to enslave stupid people. If you're capable of figuring out what 1+1 is, but can't understand the meaning of anarchy, then you're officially enslaved. I'm a genius, I should have thought of this sooner...

11/16/04: "If only people didn't talk"
So I was hanging out with my friends and my girl friend in the ten minutes I had before I had to go to work. I was sitting there, with my work cart (A golf cart from a local country club) and my friends were being their usual annoying selves. They hit it in neutral while I'm distracted by my GF, and roll it 5 feet from where I stand. Out of no where I hear a yell:

"STOP THAT!"

I turn around and see a plump lady with a red face yelling at my friends. The cart's still rolling so I run down and hit the E-Brake. Now the only way you can put the E-Brake on is by kicking the damn brake, don't ask about the physics of it. So out of no where this lady starts bitching at me. I'm kind of dazed, everyone knows I work here, I drive the cart more then anyone, and she's yelling at me about respecting other peoples property. I say:

"Excuse me Mam, but this is my cart"

But she has the fucking nerve to tell me:

"I KNOW WHO'S CART THAT IS, AND THEY WOULDN'T BE HAPPY AT YOU DISRESPECTING IT"

And then she walked away, honestly, I don't get what the hell happened. People piss me off, especially the self-righteous ones. If I don't ask for help, don't help me. This reminds me of a story, alright, so me and my friends are hanging out in the front of another friends house, it's like 3 in the morning, we're kicking back in the car. This guy comes out of the house next door, he walks up to us and starts banging on the hood. I'm thinking "Ok wtf does this guy want?". So we all get out of the car, and the guy says:

"What the fuck you's doing?"
"We're hanging out in the car" I respond
"Bull shit! You tryin to steal this car" he replies
"Oh, he's afraid we're trying to steal the car" I tell my friend
"I AINT AFRAID OF NOTHIN!" He says, and with that he pulls out a knife.

Yes, a crazy mexican pulls out a knife on us at 3 in the morning, normally it'd be time for an ass whooping but since we're less then ten feet from our sleeping friends house, we decide against it. So here's what happens:

"So if you aint stealin the car then they'll know you if I knock on the door?" He says
"Yes, go knock on the door" I respond

So the dickhead knocks on the door, gives it a love tap. Meanwhile my other friend is in a panic, he doesn't handle pressure well, which means that he's a pansy. Anyway my friend says

"I'm sorry man"

which kind of makes it look like we WERE stealing the car, good job professor Dumb ass! The crazy mexican responds

"IF YOU MOVE I'M GONNA CUT OFF YOUR BALLS"

Which is fucking hilarious, and of course my other friend let's out a chuckle, and Senior Dickhead looks him in the eye and says

"What are you laughing at?"

To which my braver friend responds

"Nothing"

But that's not all, my braver friend stared Senior Dickhead down, I mean holy shit it was amazing. Senior Dickheads all holding his knife and staring at my friend like a piece of meat, and my friend just stand's there, calm, collected, bad ass, and just stares him down. So Senior Dickhead turns to me and goes

"Nobodies answering"
"Knock again, or better yet, (Pansy Friend), call them" I say.

So Pansy is in a mad scramble to pull out his phone, manages to fuck up the number two or three times before getting the right one. But by that time my sleeping friend has awoken. Long story short Senior Dickhead apologized to us, he told us

"There's a lot of crazy tweakers out here man, you gotta watch out for eachother, you know, fuck" And with that he inhaled an entire ciggerate, butt and all, and walked back into his house.

11/15/04: "Caffeine is God's gift to mankind"
I love Caffeine, whether it's from Soda, Tea, or crushed into lines and snorted, caffeine is great. I'm writing this at 11 PM, and I wake up every day at 6:30 AM, I probably wont go to sleep until 2. That makes for 4 hours of sleep, which would make a NORMAL man bitch and moan about how tired he is. I on the other hand have a secret weapon, I drink caffeinated beverages, lot's of them, I don't need sleep. Sleep is for pansies and weaklings. Nobody really need's sleep, I think sleep was invented by the government as a means to control our thoughts. Dreams aren't really our subconcious taking over, it's actually your mind deciphering all the subliminal messages you see throughout the day. The government want's to take over your mind, and make you a slave to there bidding. Soon you'll be sucking down tylonel and reading gossip about hollywood. Next thing you know you're enlisted in the army, and killing terrorists and commies. Pathetic mortals, sleeping, it sickens me. I think I'm going to go destroy my bed as a symbol of my non-sleeping immortality! That'll show the government...And since when was it illegal to tear off the tags of your pillows? Maybe those tags have some sort of metal tuning device in them, a metal tuning device directed deep into your mind. You're getting hit with both Subliminal Messaging, and radio waves. It must suck to be you, having to sleep and all. I remember sleeping, I closed my eyes, my muscles relaxed, Peaches by the Presidents of the United States of America played in the background. The pillow was so soft...My entire body felt relaxed, man...I think I'm going to go sleep now.

11/14/04: "Signs you're an idiot"
I decided to do something different today, and here it is. If any of these apply to you, I suggest you evaluate how much your life sucks, and whether or not you should kill yourself for the betterment of mankind. So without further ado, you're an idiot if:

1. You listen to EMO
2. You listen to Country
3. You listen to Rap
4. You want to sing any of the above
5. You insult people using jokes about there moms
6. You failed any grade in grade school
7. You've ever ate paste
8. You want to be a police officer
9. You enjoy being an online attention whore
10. You've ever asked someone to cyber sex with you
11. You've ever cyber sexed
12. You've ever used your name in conjunction with the word 1337 H4x0R
13. You're a script kiddie
14. You've ever wanted to design a website using freewebs.com
15. You voted for Bush
16. You don't understand simple instructions like "Pet the dog"
17. You try to convince people Italy surrendered in WWII (Chubbo(HF))
18. You tell people they sell oranges (OGre_Masher)
19. You tell people they have no "rime sceem" when they rap, which is gay anyway (Split-Second)
20. You cuss profusely when you're insulted
21. You've ever tried picking up chicks online
22. You've ever called someone a whore, because they kissed a guy (Tommy)
23. You've ever been so drunk you had to be taken to the hospital, from school (Ray)
24. You've ever broke into a room at school, logged onto a computer, and looked at porn, all under your username
25. You didn't understand any of this

11/13/04: "Being Sergeant Cockslap's scapegoat"

Ok, so me and my friend were driving yestarday, and he forgot to make the turn into the bank. I wanted to cash my check so I say:
"Hey, let's turn around"
And he agrees. We head up to an area off the road where we can make the turn:

We want to turn in the opposite direction our car is facing, so we do this manuever:

What we aren't aware of is that there's two cars up ahead turning, and apparently us, having the right of way, are failing to yield to them. Now for those of you who are slow, I'll explain this. We obviously had the right of way because we were going straight. Yes, we had turned PREVIOUSLY, but we were now heading straight for a good 20 feet. Apparently however that's illegal, why? I have no idea. About 5 minutes later we get pulled over, the Sergeant comes up to the window and say's:

"I'm sergeant something something, liscense and registration please"

Sure, he's being nice, but this is just the beginning. Soon after my friend hands him his vehicle info, Sergeant Cockslap decides to give him a sobriety test. Normally this would be standard procedure, HOWEVER, this test was as stupid as the 53 year old who bags my groceries. First he asks him a few questions, standard so far. Then he tells him to close his eyes wtf? Can a drunk guy not close his eyes? Now he says to look up, and count to 30. Ok, I'm sorry, but this is just dumb. So I suppose we're assuming drunk people can't:

A) Close there eyes
B) Look up
C) Count to 30

Are they stupid? Yes. Drunk people are completely capable of doing all those things, so obviously he made the test up as he went along, why? My theory is as follows. After a trip to the local Dennys for some coffee and late night breakfast, they go back out on duty. Officer A is hyperactive because of his Caffeine/Sugar intake. Sergeant Cockslap is looking for some easy action. Sergeant Cockslap moves into position over Officer A, long story short, they soon commence in some homosexual sex. Suddenly another Cop Car whizzes by, Sergeant Cockslap say's:

"OH SHIT"

The cop car slow's down, and turns around to commence spying. Sergeant Cockslap, anticipating this, immeaditly looks for a scapegoat. He slams on the gas, hit's the lights, and pulls over me and my friend. Now normally you would think this is farfetched, however, Officer A stayed in the car for a good ten minutes. I think it's because he was buttoning up his pants. What he failed to realize was that he left his hat in the back. My observant eye caught this, I of course didn't call them on this, because they were already writing about a fake ticket for yielding to traffic. I assumed that antagonizing them farther would result in another fake ticket. They decided to draw our stay out longer so maybe the other cop car would pass by, meaning they were left unnoticed. So they head into the car looking for the sobriety test booklet. Officer A exclaims:

"There it is!"

Sergeant Cockslap proceeds to pick the book up, only to find it's covered in coffee, because they had knocked over a coffee cup in there mad struggle to commence in homosexual sex in the cop car. Needless to say, Cockslap had a plan! He would make up some totally bull shit test. After about half an hour they left, but not before handing over a $80 ticket, for 'Failure to yield to traffic'. Just another case of being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

11/12/04: "Freewebs.com, allowing morons to make websites since 2003"
Freewebs is pathetic, it's like Geocities PageMaker, but vomit inducing. They have only one page template, it's available in multiple colors though. In less then a minute, any idiot with a modem can make a website. For some STUPID reason, freewebs is proud of this. They're proud of filling the internet up with useless, cluttered, misspelled, ugly websites. It saddens me. Combined with shorturl.com you get a site that's:

A)Easy to get to
B)Easy to advertise
C)Resembles processed food

There's a reason why we use HTML instead of english to make websites, and no, it's not because it's easier to discern code from english. We do it so morons don't ruin the internet with crappy websites. Look at this: MWUYD CLAN SITE
Yes, it's crappy, the header sucks...the banner's just dumb...but most of all, ITS A BUNCH OF SCRIPT KIDDIES!!! They'll subseven you, better watch out! You see? Freewebs is allowing script kiddies to make websites, everyone hates script kiddies, they're the only thing that both Authority and the Internet Underground hate. Nobody likes Freewebs, I've made my point. Oh yeah, almost forgot, this kid is charging people to make sites. Yes, he'll charge you money to make a site as crappy as his. A crappy site that took him less then a minute to make, if only all the trojans in the world suddenly formatted the hard drives of there owners. Why do I care? Because I hate kiddies who make crappy websites. It's because of dumb websites that we'll get internet cops, and then sites like mine will get banned, or labeled by some stupid guild of soccer moms. No more offensive comments, no more curse words, nothing. All because of freewebs.com

BOYCOTT FREEWEBS.COM!!! LEARN HTML!

11/11/04: "Country Music is worse then suicide"

Who was the first dumbass to pick up a guitar and start singing about his alcohol addiction and his wife leaving him? Because that person needs to be shot. I mean honestly, I'd rather listen to a crying baby then this 'country' crap. Every song is about the same thing, it's not some new unfolding dramatic story, it's more like "Let's take a bet on how long it takes him to talk about his wife leaving him for there son". I hate country, there isn't anything good about country, people who listen to country are stupid farmers. Since when did country become a spin off of Rock&Roll? I was flipping through some channels, and my remote controls battery died on CMT. I caught a glimpse of pyrotechnics, Garth Brooks on his knees playing his guitar like he was some god to the guitar, and then I was bombarded by the sound of it all. I dove towards my TV reciever, which was behind a glass cover, and I punched through the glass cover with my index finger in an effort to change the channel. Long story short I lost my index finger, but I managed to change the channel, so it was worth it. Why does everyone have bad taste in music? People listen to country, rap, and this EMO crap. You guys should listen to some good stuff, like Dead Kennedys, The Misfits, Sex Pistols, Iron Maiden, and one of my all time favorites, presidents of the united states of america. Yes, I'm aware there's a couple of genres there, but none of those genres suck ass like Country, rap, and EMO. How can anyone listen to Rap? I mean sure it's offensive and all, but it's like that online kid who only responds "Your mom" to insults. I'm going to make up a rap song right now:
I have a big cock,
I smoke alot of rock,
I killed some bros,
and then I fucked some hoes,
I'm a hardcore rapper,
everyone go boom boom in the crapper,
I'm straight from L.A.
I like men 'cause I'm gay.
Mr. M comin back with a remix, biznatch.


Didn't that make you want to gouge out your eyes with a fork? That's the standard layout for every single rap song. Black Eyed Peas win's my "Stupid Band" award though. They made it big with the crappy single 'Where is the love?', which is a song about violence, drugs, and sex on TV. There next hit single was called 'Let's get it started' which is about partying, and has tons of sexual inuendo. Now I'm all for sexual inuendo and parties, but the fact that this band is so hypocritical pisses me off...

11/10/04: "AOL was created by the anti-christ"

AOL sucks, it steals your bandwidth, it conducts market research while you surf, and it's designed for illiterate people. Honestly though, AOL is crap. How is AOL an acronym for 'America Online'? Shouldn't it be AO? Oh wait, that's right, their average is customer is a 38 year old coke addict who lives in a smelly low income apartment. Obviously the acronym stands for 'America On Lines', representitive of their average customer. What's even more pathetic about AOL is that it's the only product that you can't even give away. I've never seen anyone throw anything away that's free, but when it comes to AOL, people toss 'em like frisbees into the nearest trash can. The upside to AOL is that there discs have inspired artists everywhere, inspired them into making crappy CD sculptures. Actually I hate crappy CD sculptures, so it's not an upside. Damnit there's nothing good about AOL, they just suck, and they don't even suck good, they suck at sucking. Just thinking about AOL makes me want to crap my pants and vomit continously for the next 4 hours. It's so bad I might just make myself a eunich with a butter knife so I can forget all about AOL in the excrutiating pain that would follow. I hate AOL, I don't know which is worse, Cheney or AOL, I think AOL is pulling ahead by 5 points. Cheney probably uses AOL, and Bush too. We've been going about the Iraq war all wrong,this is what we need to do:

Problem solved, they'll all commit suicide form having to look at the ugly AOL discs. Not even terrorists like AOL, not that there are any terrorists in Iraq, just people who are mad at the US for occupying there 'fine' country. Yeah, so AOL is shit, that's been established, my job is done here.

11/09/04: "ASVAB: Army Sorting Vermin and Brethren"
I had to take the ASVAB's yestarday, which is some stupid army recruiting test. They claim it helps you get into college, but I've yet to hear someone say "If it wasn't for the ASVAB's, I wouldn't have made it here". Honestly, I think it's a load of bull crap, they want to get "dibs" on all of us teenagers first. They're trying to recruit us for some meaningless reason. I don't see why the army need's volunteers, what about the draft? Isn't that enough for them? Now they're administering tests to High School students in an effort to learn who they want from our crowd, and then bombard us with army mail and army phone calls. I suppose it wouldn't have been so bad if the "Test director" wasn't a crazy drill sergeant:

The first thing he say's to us is "I control you now, I have taken control and served on a marine platoon, and you're" and then I fell asleep, I woke up later tied up and in a burlap sack. He then set the sack on fire and screamed profanitys at me, but I used my telekinetic powers to put the fire out, and then I kicked his ass with my mind. Actually that was a dream I had that night...What really happened was we all sat quietly, took our tests, and attempted to get out of there before lunch. What we didn't know was that leaving before they could count the 10 cent test booklets was "against federal regulations", however the kindly drill sergeant informed us that it was by shouting, very loudly, "YOU CAN'T LEAVE YET!!! IT'S AGAINST FEDERAL REGULATIONS". Honestly, it was pathetic, I started laughing hysterically, and then I was jumped by the entire army+emo kids+Cheneys minions, but I used my superior ninja skills to defeat them. I of course used only my pinky, after all, I wanted it to be a fair fight. So lesson learned...Don't mess with me or I'll use the 'pinky of doom' ninja attack.

11/09/04: "Cancer causes Cancer"

I read an article recently about how artificial light causes cancer. The sun causes cancer too. Light causes cancer, drinking soda causes cancer, moniter screens cause cancer, EVERYTHING CAUSES CANCER. The only thing that might save you is if you vaccuum sealed yourself in a bubble, and then lived in room with no windows or lights. Of course then you'd be a pigment free moron and your life would be worth diddly. Cancer is probably natures way of telling you that you need to die. We live in a world where it's common to live to be 80, where over populating the world is a threat. Maybe we just need to die... Honestly, we need to die eventually...If we all lived to be a thousand we'd be ignorant pricks who thought we knew everything. If it wasn't for people dieing off, Aristotle might have argued with Newton about the laws of gravity, and then we'd still be thinking Heavier bodies fall faster then lighter ones. Why? Because it's rude to try and prove someone wrong when they're still alive...At least when someone dies we can prove they're wrong guilt free, after all, they don't care, they're dead. Back to cancer, cancer is always going to affect us, when we find a cure for cancer some super cancer will come out, and the only good thing will be that we can die quicker, because the super cancer will be unstoppable, no suffering. I'm not even trying to be funny with this rant, I'm serious, a cure for cancer will lead to more death, which is probably what good ol' mother nature is expecting. Why do you think we have natural disasters? So we die. AIDS, The black plague, SARS, whatever else, it's not the end of the world, it's just making way for expansion. I'm ready to die, because when I die I'm sure some other cynical kid will take my place, and that makes me happy, and I'll be singing and dancing in my grave. Ok, I'm done...

11/08/04: "Generation WTF - The EMO"

First off, I've decided to call the 90's kids 'Generation WTF' because:

1. Acronyms r cool 2 use LOLOL
2. WTF=What The Fuck
3. First thing anybody says when they see a kid from Generation WTF, "what the fuck?"

And that's it...Genius isn't it? Ok, this rant is about EMO's. I was browsing through some sites when I came across something with the word EMO. I, being the ignorant moron that I am, was oblivious to what an EMO was. After some in depth research I found out that an EMO is someone who listens to crap like 'Blink 182' and 'Simple Plan'. Now I finnally understand why all the preppy kids at school dress like homosexuals, THEY'RE EMO! Yes, to be EMO you have to look like a faggot, examine this picture:

Honestly, what the fuck? The only good thing that could come out of this is that faggot bands like 'Blink 182' and 'Simple Plan' aren't considered punk anymore! Thank god. Calling 'Blink 182' Punk is like calling Cheney an angel, a nice angel, not a dark satanic angel. Anyway, back to EMO's. If you want to spot an EMO, just look for the nearest metrosexual droning on about his pointless existance, oh and how his girl friend dumped him for a chick because he wasn't manly enough for her. I would suggest we draft all these EMO kid's, but they'd just run to canada. Instead, I say we spread a rumour that 'Blink 182' is playing at a secret spot, but the secret spot is actually a volcano. We'll have 'Blink 182' suspended from a platform above the volcano, and all the EMO kids will walk blindly into a burning fiery death as they fall off the cliff one by one, because they're lemmings.

11/07/04: "But he said there won't be a draft!"

I have a plan, we can have the draft AND get rid of stupid people at the same time. First we pull out our current military forces in Iraq, and everywhere else. Then we pile all of them, along with the rest of the American population, in a room, a big room. Now we administer them all IQ tests. Anyone who scores below a 90 on the IQ test will be forced into the military via the draft. Problem solved, no more stupid people, and the military support issue is solved. Oh, and Cheney can eat all the corpses when it's over. We should probably send old people there too, I'm sure they'll fail the IQ tests anyway, seeing as how they think it's possible to walk uphill both ways to school. Some old people can stay. I have met a few 'cool' old people, but statistically that's bound to happen. Who else do we want to get rid of? Let's send all the soap opera producers, in fact, let's make them marines. Televangilists should be next, I hate Televangilists, they're like "I love God, and Jesus, don't put faith in the material world! Send me money at 1-800-666-LOVE" and then they split the proceeds with Cheney...So yeah, I think I'm going to write to congress about my idea. Support Darwinism! Vote yes on the "Stupidity Draft"!

11/06/04: "Dick and Bush own America"

Ok, what happened at the polls? Were they handing out complimentary joints and bags of coke to the voters? BUSH WON!? It's due to him getting the christian vote, however they probably weren't aware that his running mate is the devil himself, yes, Cheney is satan.



Furthermore, Bush is going to put the draft in effect. Everyone argues "But he said there wasn't going to be a draft!" Apparently Cheney wiped the whole "no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq even though we were told there were" thing from every single human being's mind except for myself. The only thing we can expect from here is the destruction of mankind as we know it. Last I read they were developing Anti-Matter bombs, for those of you who don't understand the significance of a "Clean" bomb, I'll explain it. "Dirty" or nucleur bombs have a nasty tendancy to bring about the destruction of the world. Radiation spreads through the atmosphere, causing mutation, and ultimately, death. With a clean bomb you don't have that problem, just drop it on some foreign country you don't like and watch the country dissapear, with no hazard to yourself. So, if we use logical deduction we can conclude that Cheney (Being Satan) will bring about the destruction of all humanity using anti-matter bombs that release an explosion 100x greater then a nucleur bomb, without the threat of radiation. The only good thing that could come of this is that Soap Operas will be gone forever, at the cost of mine and 6.5 billion others lives...